On May 25, 2011 my beautiful sister lost her battle to cancer. She was 41 years old. A mother of two beautiful boys, and a wonderful and giving wife. A doting daughter and a friend that would give you the shirt off of her back.
She was my soulmate.
We would finish each others sentences, and we would laugh so hard that no sound came out of our mouths - just tears of joys out of our eyes.
I lived in the proud shadow of my sister. I was always know as "Paula's sister" and most times not just "Stephanie".
Sometimes that made me mad but most of the time I had someone to look up to and I had a mentor.
The anniversary of her passing always falls on Memorial Day Weekend. It is so fitting, really.
All last week I felt "blue" and I couldn't put my finger on it. I just kept plugging away. I let my grief get the better of me. I should have seen it coming.
You'd think after doing all of the practice and work as a Life Coach I would know how to see these things coming.
I am not immune to not giving into my desires and sadness or seeing what's there in front of me.
I was fighting it and feeling worse. I didn't want to be sad and feel grief.
Then, yesterday a light lit up inside of me that gave me relief.
I had a thought,"It is ok to feel the grief".
Life is good with all the "Good" and "Bad"! That's what life is all about.
Feeling ALL emotions is what being a human is all about.
I wouldn't be who I am if I did not have all of my sorrows that bring me to an abyss of darkness, or highs so high that I wanted to burst with love!
As soon as I embraced that it was ok to feel the grief and I saw that I would not "die" with it inside of me, I immediately felt better and I was moving past the "burden" of my sorrow.
We are afraid to feel negative emotions.
My brain was working exactly as it should.
It was trying to keep me safe. Avoid pain.
I had to remember not to resist.
When these feelings arise, we can't cover it up with pouring a drink.
What we think makes our feelings, our feelings drive our actions.
We have to feel EVERYTHING in order to live a conscious life. In order to feel everything we have to willing to tap into our thoughts and see where they lead us.
Are you all in?
I am!
Let's take the time for having loving memories of all of our experiences. Good and bad.
Stephanie
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