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I Was Engaged To the Wrong Man

Updated: Jul 30


What Was I Thinking? & How I Committed to Change


I was engaged to someone else before I met my husband. I was with this man for more than five years. My friends kept telling me that it was a dead end relationship. My parents didn't think he was a good fit for me either. Plus, many other red flags that I decided to bleach white.


But, I stayed with him for FIVE years. I still remember the look on my parents face when I told them that I was going to marry him.

We booked the church, reserved the reception site, I even put a down payment on a wedding dress. 


I was determined to make this work!


I finally had a moment where I was honest with myself and faced up to my true thoughts about if this man was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. 


Of course, the only thing to do was to seek advice from my mom.


She told me to go home and make a list of all of the pro's and con's of this relationship. Her simple advice changed my life. I cherish her and her advice and how she simplified something that seemed so complicated for me. 


When I did write it all down I saw, in black and white, that the side of the paper with the con's was so much larger than the side with the pro's. 


So simple. Yet, so convincing.


I went to my parents and told them that I was scared and I wanted to call off the wedding. 

They lovingly looked at me and told me how proud they were of me that I could have the courage to make such an important decision. Sometimes the hardest decisions are the best decisions.


They knew how hard it was for me. Especially because I committed five years of my life to this person, also...I had already committed by reserving  the church, the reception hall and basically had a dressed all picked out.


I was more ashamed of admitting that I romanticized the thought of being married. I thought that getting married would solve all the problems in our relationship - Ha!


I was ashamed that I went too far with the planning and that we could have lost some money. My parents said that that was the least of their worries. They didn't want me to be unhappy with this person. They could see what I didn't see.


The reason I held on to this relationship is because I didn't think I could do better.

I didn't think I deserved more.

I kept rationalizing that all relationship are hard and that everyone has to work on them for their whole lives.  


I don't know where I got this belief because my parents were happily married. 


Relationships aren't supposed to be like swimming up stream, against the current and in the other direction of all the other fishes.  


Thank goodness I broke it off.

This memory reminds me of the relationship with drinking. It wasn't working anymore. But, at the same time stopping over drinking also felt like swimming up stream. It seemed so different from what my peers were doing- it seemed like EVERYONE would still be drinking except me. I knew in my heart of hearts that wasn't true. Who cares about what others are doing or not doing. What only mattered was my happiness and being the person I'm meant to be. 


I just needed to figure out the pro's and con's of over drinking.


I would have never become the strong person that I am today. I wouldn't have met the man of my dreams. I know from being with my husband that relationships are so much more than what I thought it could be.


I committed to myself and took the time to dig deep inside to ask myself the hard questions. 


Sometimes we are determined to make something that is wrong for us work because we don't know what is better for us on the other side.


A lot of my clients say to me in such simple terms that they just like to drink. As if it's a fact. But, do they ask themselves what they dislike about their drinking habits.


Clients say it's the only way to unwind or relax.


They say they like the social part of it. 


These are all just thoughts and beliefs that you have created and have come to believe.


These are reasons why you like it, BUT what are the reasons you don't like it?


I didn't like waking up feeling hangover.

I didn't like waking up extremely dehydrated.

I didn't like spending the day after beating myself up.

I didn't like the relationship that I had with myself.

I didn't like that I was hiding (lying by omission) to my husband.


You need to ask yourself if the results you have with your drinking habits are what you want.

 

The best way to find your commitment to stop over drinking is to write down ALL of your reasons why you desire alcohol AND all of the reasons you don't like it.


How To Commit


1. Rufuse confusion

2. Make a decision to commit.

3. Write your commitment and you're why.

4. Rewrite and change it until it's compelling (make sure it's motivating).

5. Document all the reasons you don't have it yet. What is the competing desire and why do you want the competing desire?

6. Keep working until you can change the desire and motivation in your mind.


P.S. Don't miss out on the FREE Web Class (discounted pricing and bonuses for those who watch - limited time only). Find out how to cut back permanently and to trust yourself around booze. Find out are your cravings normal? How do you manage urges and not give into them? Register NOW!


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Stephanie Colson Coaching, this website and the content herein do not provide diagnosis, treatment or advice for drug or substance abuse, detoxification or recovery services.

If you are dealing with or are unsure of your symptoms, please seek medical advice.  

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